What would you do?

[cee]

When I was pregnant I fell out with a good friend, just a couple of weeks before Twinkle was born.

I never really got to the bottom of what happened but suspect it was something to do with an abortion she had when I was about 6 months pregnant. She had been pressured into it by her boyfriend. I did everything I could to support her through it, but her behaviour became quite weird as my due date approached, lots of negative comments, and she kept (jokingly?) calling me a fat cow! She knew she had annoyed me and I said I wanted to postpone meeting up with her until after the baby was born (bearing in mind this wasn't far off anyway) and for that she told me in no uncertain terms that she never ever wanted to speak to me ever again. Ever!

I did contact her a few months after T was born and said I couldn't really understand what had happened, that it was a shame to waste 10 years of friendship etc and got a very strange email in response -in essence she was so upset she'd upset me that she hadn't wanted to speak to me any more (does that make sense to anyone??), then I received another angry email so it got left at that.

I have just had an email from her out of the blue, obviously over two years now since we fell out. My first thought was to send a positive reply as I echoed her sentiments of feeling sad about what happened. Then I found her facebook page via someone else's and realised that she has very recently had a baby, and now I'm not sure about getting in contact with her. I think I'm really really angry with her that she never even asked if my baby was ok, if I had a boy or girl....she didn't just reject me, she rejected my baby, so innocent of the drama between the two of us.

I hate to admit it but I am also hatefully, shamefully, childishly jealous. She is still with the same boyfriend she was with all that time ago and they and their baby look so adorably happy....and here's me, my glittering career gone down the toilet, a single, often lonely, mother, rebuilding my life after such an unhappy time. I don't want her to know those things about me (don't want to admit my failures, I guess, despite having lots of positive things happening right now) and while I'm so happy she is finally a mum (something she always longed for) I hate that she couldn't put her feelings aside and be there for me when I needed her

So what would you do? Would you reply?

[ches]

When you were friends, was it a good friendship that made you happy? Was she the kind of friend you could ring up in the middle of the night if something was wrong? Or was it a friendship that drained you? If the former, then I would make peace. If the latter, I would move on.

It seems quite clear to me that your advancing pregnancy was very difficult for your friend as it brought back the demons of her abortion. If her pregnancy had advanced to six months then she was used to feeling the baby move and more than likely knows full well her baby had a chance of surviving outside of the womb. It can be extremely difficult to come to terms with "choosing" an abortion under those circumstances. The baby she recently had has no doubt helped her to move on and maybe she feels like making amends with you. You could meet with her once and see how it goes.

I seem to have missed what has happened to you recently -- how you became single and what happened to your career. I'm sorry you're having a rough time and that you are lonely at times. Maybe an old friend is just what you need?

[cee]

Ches, she was about 8 weeks pg when she had the abortion, and I was 6 months pg with Twinkle when she had it, sorry that wasn't clear.

When you were friends, was it a good friendship that made you happy? Was she the kind of friend you could ring up in the middle of the night if something was wrong? Or was it a friendship that drained you? If the former, then I would make peace. If the latter, I would move on.

To be honest, it was both which makes it harder.

I seem to have missed what has happened to you recently -- how you became single and what happened to your career.

In essence, motherhood has taken apart everything in my life which wasn't working, or wasn't allowing me to be true to myself and is putting everything back together the right way up. It's good but it's hard.

[ches]

Well abortions can still mess people up. I'm not saying that it was acceptable the way she treated you, but maybe forgivable? The reality of your pregnancy and Twink's birth could've rubbed salt into her wounds. A better friend would've said "I'm sorry but I am having a hard time dealing with the abortion and being around you and Twink hurts too much so I'm going to take a step back for a while."

You could meet up with her and tell her how much she hurt you. Giving her an opportunity to apologise and open up to you about why she behaved so strangely. One meeting doesn't mean you're renewing the friendship.

At the end of the day you need to go with your gut.

[Rubyrose]

In essence, motherhood has taken apart everything in my life which wasn't working, or wasn't allowing me to be true to myself and is putting everything back together the right way up. It's good but it's hard.

I can so identify with that. It can be such a painful process, but good. One of the consequences of having R has been that I have really established who my friends are, which ones were positive influences in my lie and which ones were negative. I would echo what ches said, that if she was a positive influence in your life when you were in contact then it might be a good thing to bury the hatchet, but if she was a negative or draining force upon you then it may be best to leave the friendship in the past. Really think about whether her friendship is something that might be a good thing to welcome back. x

[Ellielle]

Nothing much to add, other than to echo what the others have said. I imagine she found the whole abortion thing incredibly emotional, and her reaction to you might not have been rational as a result. However, you'll need to think long and hard about whether her friendship is what you need right now. It doesn't sound like she's done much to deserve your friendship recently, so if you don't want to be friends with her, don't feel guilty about it.
Meanwhile, focus on the positives in your own life, and don't think about them as failures. Yes, it can be tough being a single mother whose career has taken a nose-dive - I've been there myself (and although I have a husband now, I still don't have a career to speak of) - but that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means that life hasn't taken the path you might have chosen, but that's not the same as having failed.

[SammysMom]

I suspect I might be in the minority, and maybe I'm just too hard hearted, but I wouldn't let her back into your life. If she was willing to cut you out (and be an unbelievable b*tch before hand) before, then she would absolutely do it again. Sure she wants to be friends now, when everything is going well for her, but I guarentee you when life throws her a curveball she's going to make you unhappy again. You don't need that kind of friend.

I agree with Ellielle - focus on the positives in life and do the things you need to do to "put everything together the right way up". From everything I've read that you've posted about Twinkle, you're a brilliant mum and I know eventually you'll have the life you're trying to build. {{{cee}}}

[katyasmom]

I agree with ches - give her a chance - if she starts to be negative at all then just cut off contact again. You can talk to her / meet her once or twice - it is not a contract you have to sign to forever be her friend if you speak to her now.

[petitemum]

it was a shame to waste 10 years of friendship

Just thought I'd suggest that whatever your decision, it might be useful to try and NOT factor in the sunk costs (in terms of time and emotion) of all the number of years you were friends.

http://mindyourdecisions.com/blog/2007/08/22/the-idea-of-sunk-costs/

You can still look back and treasure those good years, but -- as I'm sure you know better than many of us -- you don't need to stay loyal to decisions you made in the past, not if you don't see them making your life better in the future.

[emmario]

I suspect I might be in the minority, and maybe I'm just too hard hearted, but I wouldn't let her back into your life. If she was willing to cut you out (and be an unbelievable b*tch before hand) before, then she would absolutely do it again. Sure she wants to be friends now, when everything is going well for her, but I guarentee you when life throws her a curveball she's going to make you unhappy again. You don't need that kind of friend.

I agree with Ellielle - focus on the positives in life and do the things you need to do to "put everything together the right way up". From everything I've read that you've posted about Twinkle, you're a brilliant mum and I know eventually you'll have the life you're trying to build. {{{cee}}}

I'd be tempted to feel the same as you SammysMom.

Cee, I think I'd arrange a meeting with her, but not go into it with the attitude that you are renewing the friendship, or that it will be the same as it was. As you were such good friends I think I'd find it hard to say don't let her back in at all, but at the same time you cant forget what happened so I'd go into meeting her with my defences well and truly up and see how it goes.

Even if you did become friends again I suspect it would be a slow process and it wouldn't be the same as you are both different people now.

One of my friends has been a little bit strange since I was pg, we haven't actually fallen out though. At the beginning it upset me quite a lot as we had been really close, but I had to make the decision to not let it hurt so much. So I suppose maybe I became hard hearted, I don't know. I used to make the effort with her and not hear back etc so in the end I tend to leave it up to her to contact me, or if I do I don't expect to hear back then it is just a bonus if I do.

Don't know if that helps at all? Just go with your gut instinct and if you do meet up take it slowly and carefully!

[doodlesmummy]

I would try and think forwards not backwards- i.e. for a moment forget the 10yrs of friendship, and think now in your current position - 1) would this friend make you feel positive or 2) make you feel negative?

Sometimes we have friends for certain phases in our lives, not for forever, as we all change and sometimes grow apart - there is no harm in thinking it is time to move on.

I also think the way she has behaved is appalling- I can understand her reasons for this, as I know I had to give some friends a wide berth for a while when I had 2 miscarriages in a row (before having DD1) and they had small babies, but they understood my reasons for this and we picked back up once I felt I was ready.

It seems to me like she wants to pick up and not really apologise for the behaviour in the past....and I would be concerned that she could do the same again.

Also, if her positive place in life is only going to make you feel down in your current situation, then maybe now is not the right time for you to pick up again.

Sorry for ramblings, hope it made some sense,
DM

[Milkymoos]

Cee I want to echo what has been said really and also that I know you said that you've seen her happy shiny photos on FB but they don't mean a perfect life, they're just snapshots of a few moments. A good life is an honest one where we face ourselves and what is right for us no matter how hard it can be and it sounds to me that you have exactly that. Be kind to yourself and ask yourself whether you need this person in your life? It may be that you just need to see her once to exercise a few demons and then say goodbye and move on or maybe you can start a new friendship with each other once everything is out in the open. If that can't be done then you may find that you still remain resentful which could mean that it wouldn't take much to rock the boat again. Friendships are a funny old game that's for sure ((hugs)) x

[cee]

Thank you all for your wise words. All valid points, too.

I've been really upset about this all weekend which has surprised me. I did reply to her and gave her the opportunity to discuss what happened further. It struck me when I reread her message that she was looking for peace so I emphasized that I wish her well regardless- perhaps this is all she really needs to hear and doesn't want to renew the friendship, I don't know.

A good life is an honest one where we face ourselves and what is right for us no matter how hard it can be

This is so true, and I think a friendship could only be rekindled if she has faced up to whatever her reason was for behaving the way she did. We will see...there's no rush after all.

[Pumpkin'sMama]

I don't know that I have advice but in my experience, friendships come and go but regrets are pointless. Some times people are there for a while because we fill a need in each other at the time and that time passes. It doesn't mean it had no value. But friendships shouldn't be draining or negative on the whole and if they are mostly that, then it's time to cut and run. And some people are there in the middle of the night when you need them because they care about you and sometimes they are there because they thrive on drama.

[archiesdad]

completely agree with the top and tail of this thread - Ches and PM (and most of what is in between). Ches is right, it is worth asking yourself "how" good the friendship actually was. I have lost friends where I have really been heartbroken but then when I have stopped to think about it, I had maybe idealised the friendship before it broke down. The classic line is "he/she changed so much" and then when I think about it, I realise that actually a lot of those traits were there already. No doubt though that a good friendship is worth fighting for.

That said, completely agree with PM, some friendships are long term, others just reflect a period of time. I know it may sound extreme but I sometimes think there can be as much value in a wonderful connection on a bus with a stranger as with a long friendship. Or, to put it another way, people come into our lives at different times, for different reasons, and for different lengths of time - and all can have a great value to us.

As for the changes in your life, I can very much empathise with that. I lost my business last year and it was a horrible time, everything just seemed to strip away. But in many ways it was a blessing as it meant I spent lots of time with Archie and had a complete reassessment about what matters most to me. The end result has been a new career which I am really enjoying.

I don't think I am alone (it's an age thing and a zeitgesit thing) in looking very carefully at what - and who - I need around me. Many of my friends have done the same. The one conclusion we have all seemed to come to is that we all just want and need positive, generous and kind influences in our lives. We don't have time to get grief from people who are meant to care. I have had a big shake down in my friend circle in the last 12 months, let some people go and found new wonderful and amazing friendships elsewhere (many from this parish) and I feel happier than ever before because I know I have the right people around me now.

All of which to say (sorry, it became a ramble!!), it's great to have people in your life IF they are worth having in your life. If this friend is worth having, then making up was clearly the right way to go.

One final thought, Milkymoos is spot on, never judge others by outward appearances. Anyone judging me last year would have thought that I was in a trough, jobless and nearly penniless. They would have been missing the sub-plot - namely that although it was one of the worst years of my life, it may also have been the very best too. Only I could know that, but self-development and emotional rebuilding are things which are done in private, not in pictures on FB...